The Needle

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Governor Christine Gregoire has signed into law the controversial Don’t Tax, Don’t Tell bill that critics say will shield wealthy corporations from paying their fair share of taxes. “I don’t care if Microsoft owes a billion in taxes from its Nevada office,” says Gregoire, “Our state’s deficit is $2.8 billion. What’s the point of discussing this? Now, with this bill, no one in state government will have to.”

Said Gregoire, “The legislature just needs to balance the budget and wrap up the special session. What goes on behind closed doors in Olympia isn’t really the public’s business.”

“Do we really want bloggers assessing the performance of corporate accountants based on how well they adhere to some arbitrary legal standard passed by the legislature? Or, do we want them to be free to practice to the best of their abilities?”

“Sure, I’d like to legislate what these accountants do in the their secret little offices in Nevada,” said Representative Ross Hunter, a former Microsoft general manager and author of the legislation, “I don’t think I can do that and have it hold up in court. What happens in Nevada, stays in Nevada.”

“Ethical and unethical accountants have served together successfully for years, this law provides the protections needed for them to follow their own moral compass.”

“State agencies and local governments face a logjam of citizen complaints, costly litigation over the Public Records Act and the Open Public Meetings Act,” says Attorney General Rob McKenna. “People’s weekends have been ruined trying to fulfill records requests in a timely manner. This law will change all that.”

“I will personally sue the next citizen that files records requests for tax-related information.”

Legislative leaders say a sales tax increase is now unavoidable. Said one staffer, “The great thing about the sales tax, is that it doesn’t discriminate. When Bill Gates buys a pizza, or a Lear jet, he pays the same tax rate as when you or I buy a pizza. The sales tax treats everyone equally under the law.”